msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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sexwitch

around 10pm, thursday night, waiting for the jug to boil and some milk to warm in the microwave, i am freshly shaven and my hair just washed, short shorts and long socks, nipples pointing hard out of a pretty sheer long sleeve oversized black jumper. i'm horny. i shove my hand down my shorts, i feel good, grab a heavy breast, that feels better

i am a little drunk, i'm exhausted, it's been a long week, i am so close to the weekend, i have a date tomorrow, with that guy i maybe have some feelings for

fuck, am i horny

back in my room, a posters bottom left corner has been sticking up for a couple days, finally i stand on my bed, reach up to push it back down onto it's blu-tac.... push myself up against the wall, open my mouth, scratch my cheek along the cool concrete, stick my ass up and out. i've been here before. i know what this wall has seen me do. fuck, i want to do that now.

-

i send a message to the BRAPBRAPBRAP machine gun kisser, get him in an uber, he's here within the hour. we smoke meth out of a blackened tear drop light bulb. i explain why i wanted him here so urgently, he's hurt i didn't respond to his 6am texts over the weekend. he is not as prepped as me. he will need some convincing, he says.

he has been up for days. he's worried about his using (i've known him a year now, it's the first time he has said he is worried) but it's probably getting worse because he's going away soon, and that's ok because he's going away soon and when he's away he can't use so it will get better then and he'll be absolutely fine without it, he could stop anytime he wanted but he doesn't want to, even though he's worried about it.....

we fuck a little bit, before he tells me he's worried, and after as well. we have a long standing mutual decision/agreement that we, together, are champion 69-ers so we utilise that. he likes his cock in my mouth and so do i, mostly i wanted him here for that, to see it, to play with it. it is heavy, and big, unclean.

-

it didn't dawn on me until maybe last night, when i was too scattered and fucked up to enjoy the date i'd been looking forward to all week, or tonight, when i'm drunk and hungry and revelling in the feeling of my hollow guts (which, it's worth adding, i know one day will be full of a belly laugh about my melodrama), and thought to come and write about this, that he and i hate one another as much as we hate ourselves, and that is why we fuck so well, why we like to see eachother once every few weeks, to fuck and to try to feel and then to fuck off once it's over because we know there is no chance of..... well, we see each other. there is no chance any one else will see us quite like this. we bare our dirtiest selves to one another, we know it can't get any worse than what we already know and recognise. we still try and be respectful. but there is a real hate there.

-

i felt disgusting on my date last night. i couldn't make eye contact. i am very good at telling myself things that aren't true. like i believe in myself. like i respect myself. like i am worthy. i am very good at facades. and i give great head. and i know how to make a man feel appreciated.

9:31 p.m. - 2015-09-26

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