msjessica's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

everything is everything

so i guess i've been "clean" for almost 2 months but earlier this week, for various reasons known and not quite known to me, the fleeting idea turned into an action and i started the process of scoring.

being on the program, and also not having contact with my guy for a while meant that i had to plan early. for things to really be effective, i would ideally have stopped taking meds on tuesday, scored friday. i messaged my guy tues, he didn't respond, i tried again on wednesday, explaining why i needed an answer so far in advance, got nothing, few hours later i tried to call and phone straight to voicemail. so i figure he's out of business, in jail, or.... well those were my options.

so i figured, give up the ghost. that's it. my one contact is gone, i'm not going to go chasing on the street, i will probably never use again.

there had been moments in this 24 hours where i was sort of presented with other opportunities. of course the chemist, and the doctor where these meds are distributed and prescribed have the potential to be like drug convenience stores. i had a couple of opportunities where i'm pretty sure if i asked the question, i would have got a hook up. but i didn't. i guess i was a little ambivalent about the whole thing. i knew i shouldn't. lots of reasons. so many reasons.

i woke up this morning to a text from the guy. he could meet up this afternoon. which sucks because i haven't stopped taking meds, and to score and then hold on to it for a few days? impossible.

so i debated and, i mean who is surprised by this, relented. yes i'll see you today.

some other things that happened woven through all this.....

the mention of finding god/jesus..... you know thats not the first sign i've had pointing me in that direction... and despite my heated words (since erased, as they were not from my heart of hearts, not even heart enough to stay documented), i very much value your thoughts.

so, some other factors, those words, i have been thinking about thinking about faith, and god. i am so without it, every time i fall, i fall further and it scares me. it scared me 5 years ago.

while waiting for my dose yesterday, the chemist had gone for a bathroom break. so there was a more than usual amount of waiting to be done. there was a elderly man waiting ahead of me, reading a bible, that slump, rock, standing upright sleep signature junkie position. some other guy came in after me, i've seen him there before an many others of his type - obviously still very active users, on a different program to me, probably running/dealing, such a chip on his shoulder it's a wonder he can get around.. he comes and starts muttering sexual shit at the women and aggressive shit at the men. of course he has no patience, so he doesn't wait for long (although he comes back before i'm done and starts a big scene with the staff). and then a beautiful gentle soul of a boy comes, walks in front of me and then realises, apologises profusely, we share this empathetic eye contact, that "i see you" eye contact. he is younger than me, maybe by 5-7 years, he said he had spent the day "trying to keep warm". there's some seats there, next to the pharmacy counter where we wait. i rarely see them used. he sat down. he looked up at me with these beautiful pinned pupil blue eyes and asked if i knew anything about subutex. he hates methodone. wishes he never started it, it's worse than smack, he doesn't know how to get off, he wants to stop being so fucked all the time. before this, he commented on the other mans bible - "you're reading the bible, brother? yeah, i read it too sometimes"

i told him what i knew about it, i enjoyed his kind eyes, could feel his heart through them and i hope he could feel mine. as i left, i touched his shoulder and wished him good luck.

it is becoming easier and easier to spot users, and i feel so often they have the kindest of hearts and such beautiful souls. not all of them, but a lot.

when i went to meet my guy this afternoon, as i was approaching our meeting spot i walked past 3 cop cars and a lot of uniformed policeman out and about. i messaged him straight away "lets meet somewhere else". they all seemed to be looking up. across the road, i saw some speaking to a girl, again looking up and behind me, to the building above me. as i walked past one, i overheard "and he knows that we're here?".

my paranoia, and knowing how ridiculously flippant and inviting of trouble my man can be, had half thoughts like "oh god, they're waiting for him" etc etc etc

i was sitting, waiting, thinking, worrying, a woman came and asked me for change. she was another one with this beautiful soul energy coming from her, but i had no change, and told her as much, knowing and i hope conveying if i did, it would happily be hers. she then told me the cops were around because a guy was sitting on some rafters, threatening to jump. i stood up and she and i stood almost arm in arm looking up at him, she smiled, full body smile and said "i'm homeless, and even i don't think things are that bad". we wished him and one another good luck, and said goodbye.

after she left, i had another encounter, somewhat similar. another obvious outcast, just by his energy, and also a body that looked like a too big suit, the man in it never knowing quite how to fill it out. he was towering above me as i was sitting, occasionally looking back at the man in the rafters, all of the police - half paranoid about my impending drug deal, and also worried for the man, wondering about him, his circumstance, how the police came to be there, what they were doing for him, what was going through his head, and the fact that the drop from where he was was likely only about 2-3 stories. he was up higher than that, but there was the roof of another building below him. as i was pondering this last thought, the too big man, whose eyes had that same kind soul in them, made some comment. i don't remember what. i expressed my worry that....even if he jumped, he probably wouldn't die. he would just be injured. is this better or worse. i guess i felt pass between us, and the woman too, and the boy from yesterday, and the man with the bible, and even the man who caused a scene, even though those last 3 were seperate from this.... we have all been there, have been the man on the rafters. i'm sure so many more people in the peak hour mid city foot traffic who were bypassing and rubbernecking at this scene have been him too. i hope some of the cops have, as well. i wonder if they helped him down, and i wonder if/who/what could help him out.

but then, after all this, i met my guy and i'd taken my meds 24 hours ago so it's unikely that i will feel this $200. i know i should wait, but i also know i can't. i get to the nearest bathroom and hit a vein first try. i feel it a little on the tram home. i think maybe i'll save most for tomorrow, or for saturday, after my work party, when i'll feel it more and have time to enjoy it.

i come home and try to shoot a third of whats left. it goes terrible. i try every viable vein i have, multiple times, my shot gets muddied with blood very quickly but never enough to actually signal i can push down. i waste a lot of gear and i fuck myself up. finally i can shoot a fair portion into a small vein on the back of my thumb. i am covered in blots of blood and ant bites of missed shots and imflammation. i can feel a little bit of a high. i have a shower, and take another third with me because i can't quite feel enough, and the shower will sooth my skin and make veins more co-operative (i should have done this first!). that works, in my left breast, near what used to be my main vein until it collapsed many months ago. i think all of my usual veins have, there were not many to start with).

sitting on my balcony with a whiskey chai tea and cigarettes and my phone, i think to myself.... i'm not high. but i haven't been depressed for hours. i haven't thought about it. i haven't felt those tears. so that's high enough. really, THAT is what i wanted, the dreams and whatever else i can get for free.

after that, i finished off what i had. another battle with my body to please just let me get this last shot in. i fucked my right hand a bit, it is still a bit tight and swolen (the typing has helped).

-

this sense of..... embarking on something that in the past has been a very intense experience for me, and something that i'm trying to recover from.... happened earlier in the week as well, when i went for dinner and some drinks with the bull horned italian. but i have said so much, i will leave that story for now.

-

edited to add.... since my last entry i started taking vitamin b+ tablets and don't wake up with missing limbs anymore.

10:43 p.m. - 2015-08-13

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

x-y
yellopenguin
studsnpatchs
famelicose
drastik
loveherwell
dope-slave
sunfuck
zoela
thisrecord
leftcoast
hiv
anna-popcorn
clapclapclap
birds-fly
takenbytrees
doctorkaysen
cuntfeel
rebecca
bangyrdead
usb-port
oh-my-darlin
friskyseal
moodswing
tsulnagrom
kittensblood
sntheticlove
reawaken
winteranfang
ninabean
x--8letters
hiswickedgun
cymbals
pettyquarrel
erases
glorycloud
verydamnlong
notathought
kateness
hotwaterlove
gonzoprophet
with-squalor
boyafterboy
malanoche
pitter-pat
boyecho
manvsdevil
amazinfuckup
-eyes
drawtheline