msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what do u see when i was injecting it was easy to blame the numbness in my hands on the fact that i'd fucked up. there was one weekend when it got really bad, bad enough for me to call a nurses hotline to see if i should go to hospital, i wrote about it here, i've written about that feeling and the fear a couple times. i haven't injected now for.... over a month (haven't taken heroin in about 2 months, i've wanted to, but not enough to stop going to chemist every day and not enough to msg my guy, he hasn't msged me in a while, i think maybe he's gone. which means even if i really wanted to, i couldn't... without a lot of effort and risk). but that's not what i came to say every day i wake up and it feels like i don't have a left arm. i can see it, i can pick it up and move it, but i cannot feel it. my right is similar, but not as extreme. i know i've fucked up in my arms, i poked around in there more than i should, last time i told me doctor about it, she explained that i had likely done some damage, like scar tissue, kind of, more like a scab, along the nerve lines and that it would heal, like a scab. and it did. i stopped injecting, and it went away. but the last month maybe, last few weeks, i wake up and my arm is gone. i'm not injecting. it's not fresh scars or scabs. it's....something else? my housemate who got so sick and had these same symptoms x 1000, it was a vitamin b deficiency. i thought it was bulbs that did that to her, but it keeps happening to me and i don't do bulbs so i guess it's alcohol. it's scary. i know i've written about it before so maybe i'm a broken record, but in my mind it's blood supply, and i'm getting gangrene, my hands will die, and i'll be alive but just with stumps. you know me - can you imagine how i would live without hands? hands are my everything - to touch and to type, that is...... that's my list of needs. but every doctor and whatever, whoever else, says it's not about blood. it's nerves. and it all comes down to vitamin b? it's drinking that's oing this. drinking + me pushing scar tissue onto the big nerve line that controls my left hand. and if you know me in real life, which most of you don't, so i guess i'll tell you - my left arm is a fucking pollack of scars, and actually they probably did nothing to the nerves, it's just funny that....if this becomes my story, or a thing, i have a visual aspect although really the damage was done through a few pin prick spots, but i dug like fuck around there, the fact that i am so at ease with cutting open and seeing the inside of my arm, the layers, the fat, the muscle.... anyway i poked around in there like i owned the place. imagine. and now i've fucked it. fucked with the source code and didn't make a backup copy. anyway i wake up every day feeling like i don't have arms and it's fucking weird. i bought some b vitamins. but i'm downing booze like i never have and either i'm pregnant or my periods gone. please let it be gone. if it was the italians baby, i would have beautifully had his abortion. but if i am, it's a weapon, a gun. and there is no beauty in that, it is pure shame. so i hope instead it is my body failing me. but i'm trying to save it too. by the way your message about kicking me in the ass does not help. anyway i wake up every day and my arms are dead weight. i'm scared of what i'm doing to my body even though i've stoped a lot of thre bad things i've done. the people that i love, i love so much it hurts (like we all do). my only joy is music and drinking. the people closest to me cause me the most hurt. i.. i.. ah 10:39 p.m. - 2015-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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