msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- danger, i never think of danger; i really am a lucky man maybe it is not such a singular thing, maybe this trigger is not just the single 'you', that same 'you' who i attribute it to. maybe for me it is always the case that love, any kind of love, i relate to pain, feel those two things so intertwined. so it becomes that any experience i have of that, any sense of togetherness, of being heard and seen and taken, ultimately results in a swan dive down into my own darkness - as some kind of survival, self preservation instinct? or a strange conditioning of sadness causing love, causing more sadness, causing love and affection and attention, and when i get too large a dose of one my synapses fire off the other? maybe it is just hormones this week, but i feel so all over topsy-turvy, so unpredictable and out of sorts, so always just at tipping point, not realising until i'm sliding down and over, down and under when i think of it now, it is obvious, it is common for me to write about human kindness making me cry, being too much when i am feeling fragile. today, the last couple of days, some words and force that usually bring me joy just seems to send me on a spiral down for some reason, pulls a band-aid off, i go from lovely, floaty pixie to.... howling banshee, unprovoked and meaningless, too primal to make sense of kind of. i think i see the sense. i think i see the many little things that pile up and cause this response, and i know it is just temporary, there is nothing new here, it is always there just most times i am more able to weather and control it, to not be overcome. not so much this last couple days but thats ok, and ultimately this unleashing is still so tame in comparison to how it's been before. annnnnd it's good, and demonstrates how helpful little pretend relationships can be (or are). it is good to recognise these things now, i'm not sure i am conquering them and could probably be working harder at processing them, but these sort of "dry runs" are exactly the lessons i need before i open my heart up again in a way that puts flesh and blood and sweat and tears and cum and spit where only words are now. 4:17 p.m. - 2015-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||