msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blood flood (part II) it's funny how things come to shape you. how i come to know things, geographical things, where is Beirut, where is Tallahassee, where is florida, where is texas, where am i - the soft ways we learn about acceptance, and change, and growing pains. what it smells like when surely your kidneys or liver are failing, how veins become hard and abscesses not just form but how they move, how easy they are to forget. i stink of ill-health. my fingers are all peeling skin, my hair is dull and brittle, betraying some kind of blue-black darkness i want to project with all of this almost-grey almost nothing, no colour, so flat, so blank shade of brown - my eyes, god, when i've taken the time to look (few and far between) they are so empty and lop sided, lacking, hopeless, helpless, dead. dead. sometimes. i stink of failing body parts. i stink of a body under duress, of kidney and liver crying out for attention. skin that no amount of exfoliating will ever make clean if what is coming from within doesn't change. i am not well. i am invisible, i am r(i)ot[t]ing. - it is so hard to know and connect with the....physical self, self that is pulling rank, making people cry, the self that lives out day to day the actions that don't feel "real", that are the most real, the interacting with others, playing a part in their life in the co-worker, manager, ridiculously enforced authority figure type role.................. i am more disconnected now than i have ever been, most evident in the fact that i just don't realise - i have a new.... toy, if you will (not literally, just a figure of speech).. that is drawing out different parts of me. it makes me feel like a book. like i am a closed up hard covered entity containing bible sheet thin many, many layers of stories, parables, lessons, misconceptions, truths, questions. like i am written, both powerless (am what i am - as i lay, i cannot change my words) but also powerful in my message and what those immutable shapes on pages might bring to others, the meaning they might draw from me, in whatever interpretation they have. there is a strong duality in this, it's lovely recognising this in myself and as a by-product, recognising it as an inevitable truth in every single person i ever come in contact with (from the people that shake my core to the ones i hardly register) - i got lost and will not end it here. 9:03 p.m. - 2014-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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