msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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the weather licked her like a stamp

last time i went to see my doctor (about 2.5 months ago) i got a prescription for the pill as i'd noticed my sex life was picking up and i'd had a night that resulted in getting the "morning after pill" which i loathe for a variety of reasons.

i've been pregnant a couple of times, they have all ended for the most part as you would expect (a termination) except that one time i didn't know until 4.5 months in and wound up miscarrying after a weekend of heavy drug use. between that and my sister going through three unsuccessful IVF attempts, the thought of getting accidentally pregnant TERRIFIES me, makes me feel ill.

however

i LOVE having a man ejaculate inside me. i love the sensation of the act, my imagination blows up with images, it feels intimate but in a way that has NOTHING to do with who i am or who they are and is purely biological and just such a fucking beautiful expression of life and how our bodies work. having my partner be able to complete his orgasm while still contributing to mine brings me great pleasure and even if i've come multiple times already and feel spent, i usually follow suit again just afterwards because it so pushes me over the edge.

i love the feeling of it falling out of me afterwards, of how long this can sometimes take. i love the smell. i love smelling like that for a whole day, primal and real.

-

so anyway, i didn't get the prescription filled because i went away just a day or two after that doctors appointment, and i put the script in a book thinking maybe i'd fill it while i was away. on my adventures, i think i left the book (a very confronting novel about two peadophiles, one an older man in jail and one a young college freshman woman just developing her tastes and hunting styles, and their written correspondence and burgeoning friendship) at my black loves house and though i've asked him for it he swears it isn't there. i need to go to the doctors again anyway so i will get another one soon.

but it's like i've been acting as though i have not just filled but have been actively taking the pill. it is becoming a friday tradition to get injected with a nice boys sperm and GOSH i love it but why am i adding this to my list of reckless behaviours and ways to tempt fate?

hedonist, indulgent, reckless....masochistic i suppose? (this is not really a revelation)

7:30 p.m. - 2014-11-08

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