msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- brain dump day off work today for that ridiculous horse race. it's nice but i'm really not very good with boredom. did some researching on injecting suboxone and although it had mixed reviews (none glowing, some quite scary) after a few pages my body was on fire and of course i guess i knew i was going to try this as soon as i typed my query into google, so off i went. anyway it turned out ok, some slight respiratory stress in first 2-5 minutes but ultimately a bit of a buzz. lost an hour or so on the balcony looking at tumblr. while doing this i guess i was processing through some stuff in the back of my mind and i've wound up entertaining the idea again of going back to uni and changing direction of my career/life in general - thinking of studying social sciences, getting involved in some sort of drug and alcohol, addiction counselling, working at a detox or community health centre. i love this idea - doing something a little less *pointless* with my life, obviously maybe it would help with some of my own issues. i worked my daydream through to practicality, actually going for job interviews.... where would i be when i got to that stage, how would i phrase my own experience, how would i help people? i know someone with a very active addiction working in a detox facility (and i'm sure he's not the only one) so of course this can be done. and maybe the study would help me.. - i think this is a very likely path for me. not in the immediate future, maybe mid next year. while money is nice to have, it is not what motivates me - in my current role while there is room for progression, i am not really interested in it and feel if i got truly motivated, i could use my experience and intelligence to raise supplementary income in other ways. a lifestyle outside of the 9-5, work that has room for heart and soul interaction, human connection... well, that is a motivator. - in other news i think i have an abscess in my breast that i really need to go to a doctor about. i did some reading and it's not an uncommon procedure to have it looked at via ultrasound and drained if necessarily, not as terribly invasive as my imagination had built it up to be. obviously time is of the essence and i really should get the process started soon. the fact that i am too scared to ask for time off (even to finish work an hour early) for doctors appointments may be why i'm back to entertaining thoughts of an alternative career path and place of employment where i feel that my own health can be a higher priority than how my co-workers and employer perceive my work ethic or even ability to maintain my own health. ugh. - i took off my cardigan at work the other day as it was quite warm inside and think my direct manager saw my scars for the first time. he did a few double takes, after maybe the third i just put my cardigan back on. a little while later in the lift, he pointed out a small oil burn on his forearm and commented that he "looked like a junkie" and that it was making him self concious. i don't know if he was trying to open a dialogue, if maybe he noticed some bruising as well as scars, or if this was just a coincidence and he was just making a stupid comment. he's obviously made it to some of our colleagues as someone nicknamed him "junkie" yesterday. there have been some times recently where i'll duck off to the bathroom with my make up bag and come back 5-10 minutes later, feeling like i look just the same as normal but GOSH who knows how i look, and if people are familiar with constricted pupils etc, i wonder if i stand out? it's so hard to know. there was one occasion i started nodding out a bit during a meeting but it was a casual one and i had made it known that i was quite tired anyway - and it WAS a pretty boring discussion i was watching.
1:26 p.m. - 2014-11-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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