msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rushing on my run so there's a very high chance that my dealer is getting locked up next week and honestly, i think i'll be relieved. i'm not really sure why but i've really stepped things up. way too much money over the last week especially, using before work, then in the bathroom just before i left work, and now today in the middle of the day.... not a large hit but enough to feel it. i guess a mix of factors - my veins became easier to hit (or i got better at finding them), it's not even like i've been rolling in cash. i got a cash converters loan and then i refinanced a debt with the bank and borrowed MORE money. i think i'm just operating in some strange denial state where i'm just.... i don't know. quite absent and separate from the realities of my actions. health wise though it's also really time to give it a rest, at least for a few weeks to let my body recover. i've got horrible bruising on my breast and worse, horrendously noticeable ones on both my forearms - i need to wear long sleeves constantly at home now instead of just in the office as i don't want to freak my housemate out. and i think i had a bad miss of half a shot quite deep in my breast tissue last night which has formed a nasty little lump. it's sore but i'm not sure if thats because i've been rubbing it so often in an attempt to rub it out. it's bad though. i occasionally have flashes of having to get a part mastectomy, or even just being left with a terribly scarred breast. i love my boobs! - so anyway. today i hope i spent my last $200. this will see me through the next day or two and then i don't have enough surplus cash and *hopefully* i won't even have access to this stuff anymore as of wednesday next week. - the worst thing about this though is that i honestly feel it's such a great mood stabiliser for me. at work i have been more relaxed and able to focus than ever, my anxieties are, if not completely absent, then just generally not worrying me. - i've been having really horrible dreams though, a lot of darkness is lurking in my subconscious and perhaps the quiet awareness of this is also contributing to my desire to just keep running. - tomorrow after work i'm going to pick up my new pretty red bicycle and my friend will help me put it together. so that's a happy development, and i'm looking forward to next week putting this period of excess and experimentation, pushing boundaries, behind me and starting a NEW period of sunshine and engaging my body in other activities. 10:37 p.m. - 2014-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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