msjessica's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i am just a dream

your (mvd) writing makes me happy sometimes. like i see such beautiful style and story in you, and i swell with pride or something.

even just talking, today, talking, good synchronicity, the people in my life just make me SO HAPPY sometimes, like so full of love. it's gorgeous, it's why we're alive i guess.

-

anyway i haven't been very present here for awhile i guess and i'm just at home this afternoon, semi lucid, kinda drunk, listening to the most recent mix tape (by which i mean electronic playlist that i burnt to cd and sent wrapped in a scarf i've had for 12 years sprayed with my new perfume and rubbed on my sweaty crotch and underarms) i've made and sent to fucking henry, that black star of my heart

so i think i'm here to write, document where i've been so i can look back and have some idea of myself, don't forget everything

-

in amongst using a bit more i've been in a world of dreams, heroin is so beautiful for me (and for everyone) for a few reasons but one that i want to talk about right now is

the dreams.

the beautiful almost hallucinations, closing your eyes on your shitty dimly lit cigarette smoke soaked life and stepping into

into

into the past sometimes, into a never-world, into your own films - i wish i could just transport them to celluloid, or digitise them somehow

i had this beautiful dream, sepia toned, full of all the men in my life, really ALL THE MEN, and a big tree, and my coming back to the same place and remembering a little more each time, getting a little further every time

so fucking beautiful, it was like watching a film

who needs movies when you have heroin.

-

i guess there is more happening in my life but i seem to be on this trip of really not wanting to pay attention to my life.

-

maybe it sounds stupid but i'm still fucked up about my cat. by which i mean i just don't think about it until i have a nod off moment where she comes in and cuddles with me and i feel ok for a minute and then i wake up and remember and then just forget again.

i guess it's

it's scary to be alone and a pet ties you to the earth, to life, it is something to love and to get love from, it is a reason, it is some being that actually cares if you're home, if you're keeping schedule, if you're settled. it's a reason.

on your own

without it of course i have a kind of freedom.

i'm booking a week of work and a one way ticket to sydney, with a time frame

i know somewhere i want to be GREAT, to be focused and growing and getting healthy and eating right and losing weight and sleeping well and buying clothes and looking good and and and

but really my focuses are

escape

fabulous escapism, numbness, i am looking forward to this week away because it has a purpose of GETTING FUCKED UP, it will not be rest.

i feel like work is rest.

-

i'm doing a lot of soul searching currently about my own

who

what

where

why

.

i am very stuck.

-

i am haunted by the knowledge(? is this a truth? what am i without this truth? i wish i could remember all of those questions)

i am haunted by the thought that

i have no personality.

i have no

substance

meat

if i am not creating i am no good. i am purely reactive. i am blank

what do i offer to a partner, to a friend, to the world?

these thoughts permeate my days so it is what i wake up with, what i sleep to

i look back on my life, try to channel my childhood, my teenage years, my coming of age

i try to find anything that isn't just me standing blank faced, letting things happen to me, struck dumb

-

i can't. i have always been such an empty soul.

5:22 p.m. - 2014-08-31

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

studsnpatchs
malanoche
drastik
famelicose
hiv
with-squalor
loveherwell
dope-slave
sunfuck
zoela
leftcoast
thisrecord
anna-popcorn
birds-fly
x-y
clapclapclap
takenbytrees
doctorkaysen
cuntfeel
rebecca
bangyrdead
usb-port
oh-my-darlin
friskyseal
moodswing
tsulnagrom
kittensblood
sntheticlove
reawaken
winteranfang
ninabean
x--8letters
hiswickedgun
cymbals
pettyquarrel
hotwaterlove
glorycloud
gonzoprophet
notathought
verydamnlong
kateness
boyafterboy
erases
pitter-pat
boyecho
manvsdevil
amazinfuckup
-eyes
drawtheline