msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i will be your ghost when he starts to let me again i see those dot-dot-dots on the Skype conversation screen as an ECG monitor measuring my heart beat beating in this waltz of fucking dot dot Dot, dot dot Dot his truths floor me and i have to question why i think his pain is so much more important than mine, so much BETTER like i am a pupil and he is my teacher, he is the master of this, a doctorate in how to not live a fulfilling life, how to punish oneself, how to regret, how to suffer, how to die. - i flutter. i faulter. my fingertips, my heart. maybe in serving him, in making him better...... maybe if his pain is like my pain, if i can help him, i can help me. if i can recognise his pain, if i can make my pain like his pain (opiates, opiates, introduce opiates), i can recognise mine, i can fix mine, i can help me. how cruel i am to you. - i get slingshotted back to months ago. - i have fallen, felt weak this last few days. buried, burying myself. - i need to be remembering things, i need to be taking in things, need to be absorbent. i am purposefully putting myself in amnesiatic states, fixing so i don't remember, fixing so i forget forget forget we talk about roads - easy road, high road, middle road - in my day to day life i think i feel like i am being crippled limb by limb and sense by sense, slowly, surely i am losing all sense of what i know and it's necessary so i can grow and truly prosper but i hold on like nerve endings, phantom pains, my need to be right is being so shut down i am drowning - i have stopped making sense. - i need to shut this off and go to bed, go to life tomorrow. this 4 days has felt longer than a long weekend, using heroin on a thursday night and going to work stoned on a friday stretches out the weekend i can see the appeal - it is good, or at least, it *is*, that as i keep repeating patterns i can come to see their benefits and downfalls. he opens to me and god, i crumble. when i see signs around i can't tell if i am diagnosable disordered, or if life really does have a purpose and structure, if i am gifted or delusional. 11:39 p.m. - 2014-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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