msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 100g per week i came here to write but i'm not really sure what about. had so much love around me over the last little while. am really feeling it, am grateful for it. i struggled a lot with friends when i was younger, and still struggle now with a lot of social stuff.... but having old friendships continue to prosper and evolve, make their own shapes.. it brings me a lot of joy. getting close to new people also, in ways i think i had maybe given up on - feeling seen by people, having a certain type of "impersonal intimacy" develop over time with colleagues, getting needed doses of affection and truth from them, although they only know a small fraction of me it's really beautiful and it lights me up inside. - one of my old friends has stirred some shit today and bought, i guess, some balance to this lovefest. she does not get to feel the warmth and i feel for her, i have felt the things she yells and screams about, though i never yelled and screamed (out loud) about them. i find it hard to take, her lack of self control. or..... ability to internalise. maybe her way is healthier, the yelling and screaming. her views are so irrational and steadfast though, she is so tuned into her own narrative that she can't hear or see anybody else and she thinks she's fighting for strong bonds when really she is just pushing people away, again again again. i had been biting my tongue about my views on her, her actions, her beliefs, for some time. especially the last two years when it's felt like we have been a cyclical conversation about mine and other's wrong doings and her unwavering self righteousness. tonight she chipped away enough to open up those dam walls and i flooded out at her so much of my frustration and judgement, my wrath. my tongue can be barbed and spiteful on a good day, and today, due to long work days and sitting in my left brain, i was maybe even less tactful than i would normally be. i don't regret being honest with her, i just hope she has the tools to take the events of today and use them in a constructive manner, rather than turn them into a reason for further self destruction and alienation. whatever she chooses is her right, maybe ultimately she will choose both. it weighs on me though. so much of what she voices is what i feel i just live with everyday. i have anger towards her for not being able to just fucking deal. but that's..... weak of me, maybe. i don't know. - here's an excerpt from something i wrote a week or two ago in a message to a boy i love, and i was reminded of it last night and will put it here now. it still feels relevant and usually i'm so literal so i think i was kind of surprised at my drunken venting... "sleep deprived and centred, holding court to an ever encroaching audience of flames. 8:51 p.m. - 2014-06-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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