msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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talking in (dizzy, dumb, drunk) circles

i think i'm actually starting to do some real damage to my hands from injecting. it's getting harder to hit veins, i've got some lumps in there and they come up in bruises almost straight away now.

pretty sure my incredibly difficult veins are one of the main reasons this little fixation won't get too overblown.

my hands and my left breast have been my most viable veins. i try to stay away from the breast although i've got $150 worth of gear here for the next day or two and if it's not going in my hands i don't know what else the fuck to do.

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i have been very reckless with it though, getting so fed up with digging around, scared of losing my shot that, if it's just a small one, i just skin pop it. hence the lumps.

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i think i've written almost this exact same entry before but where as previously it was just kind of a distant concern, it's now pretty definite that i just can't use there anymore.

it's such a fucked drug in so many ways. i should probably just stick to suboxone. i get the same level headedness and breathing room for my brain and heart but none of this putting my extremities at risk. also obviously it's free. doesn't give anywhere near that same rush though and fuck, seeing that blood rush up when a vein HAS been struck is just ~so~ lovely.

and now that i think about i've spent $400 out of this pay on gear. i was saving for awhile, that same amount, each fortnight. and didn't really use any of this stuff for about a month i think? and felt great for it. i should try and get back to there, do some re-assesment of my values etc.

it came up at the end of my last session with the psychologist i was seeing a little while ago that when i am on my own, not entangled in any kind of romantic longing or experience, i manage quite well and my substance use becomes almost a non-issue. i'm running along at the moment not TREATING substance use as an issue, probably downright just completely avoiding the thought of it all together is probably a more accurate description...

but i am blowing all of my money on drinks and drugs, hardly eating, showing up to work still drunk/hungover AT LEAST twice a week (obviously then I take a night to recover..), this has other repercussions too - i know it is noticed, my co-workers, especially my boss, are very critical of appearances and i KNOW they see that where for a while i was starting to take a bit more pride in myself, wearing outfits that weren't a bit ridiculous, very old, ripped, clothes i've been wearing for 5 years or more... that my hair is dull, my skin is dull, my eyes are.... who even knows, they are another thing i guess i've been downright avoiding looking at.

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i think i need to get a mirror in my bedroom. so much of my daily practice used to be post shower, assessing my naked body, connecting with myself. very rarely in a critical way and more about exploring my physique, my curves, looking at myself with a healing and accepting mind. i have previously always been such a sexual being, this physical connectedness to myself was an important part of that.

i'm so detached now.

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i have, i really have, written all of this before.

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the waking dreams that i hadn't felt as strongly since my time using in newcastle have returned these last few weeks when i'm high.

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two nights ago i had a (sleeping) dream about having sex with a couple i work with. they are stunning, striking, tall people who both carry a darkness. the boy, i work closely with and we have developed what he calls "synergy". the girl is a slow burn mutual respect i think, on the nights when our lives meet outside of work with (mind altering) substance use at play, our conversations get very honest very quickly, she surprises me with her gentle heart and unashamed honesty - her substance. today, she told me she dreamt of me last night and that i had a twin who was "very rough".

she quickly explained it wasn't *what it sounded like* but still there was a flicker in her eye and i felt like she had been inside my head somehow.

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it's so hard to understand how we appear to other people. i have been so convinced that my current state is so repulsive, so obviously tainted, that i wonder how painful it must be for people to have to see me every day. but more and more the people around me are growing more affectionate towards me. i wonder why it is. a natural occurrence given their own personalities and mine, the time it takes me to start to trust people (it is a month shy of a year that i have been living and working with the people around me now)... maybe my starting to be open and receiving to love again, in it's various forms, life drip feeding me touch and closeness slowly, slowly so as not to overwhelm my system and inflict that old state of shock that throws me so off kilter.

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10:12 p.m. - 2014-04-17

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