msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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time the revelator

your ghost is just everywhere.

here with your soul brother, your natural born kindred spirit - i wonder why even with you gone i have been put in places to grow and flourish that are spawned from our connection.

it is beautiful, i am grateful, would not change, makes it remarkably harder to give up completely, for us to exit each others lives with no traces.

-

thoughts run through my head - it is so freeing, cathartic, indulgent to speak about you with someone who knows. they know your patterns and behaviours much better than i yet i know.... us.

-

as the day goes on and more wine gets sunk, when he laughs it cracks my heart and face, if i close my eyes, it is you. i shatter trying to think of when i last heard you laugh like that, in the way i would imitate to make you laugh more, cyclical stupid and pointless joy.

these things make it harder to believe that it's just an illusion, a reflection that i loved.

i find myself wanting to be closer to him, wanting to touch him, to have him hold me, solely because he is closer to you. you are so imprinted, engrained in him. you are his brother. you are here, with us.

-

i went to a gig last night, i stood on my own, usually i am so brave. there were couples everywhere and they all feel so disingenuous, i see men who i am sure are attractive but i just feel nothing. i just sit and stare, i am happy for them still, i am glad to be around love.

when he starts singing and he says things i know i always must remember, i have tears, but then he starts that song that you made us listen to over and over and over because when you love a song you must have it on repeat so you can figure out "what it is".

i know you don't love me this way. but then i know that that point is moot because no one loves the same way, i wonder how you love me. i wonder how you love.

i slept with someone and told you about it and you cannot forgive me.

i invaded your privacy and told you about it and you cannot forgive me.

i distrusted you and felt broken by it. i was raised on mistrust, there was never anyone who i SHOULD have trusted. i still don't think you are the exception. you don't care for context, you don't care for back story.

i was broken. i felt...... less. things came up, about my past, about how i was..... you just got angry and blamed me. when i tried to explain, you always told me i was wrong. told me what i thought, felt, my justifications and explanations for my own actions were wrong and you always said that you knew the why's and how's. when i told you the truth over and over and over you did not believe me.

i cry, i mourn and feel the loss of..... possibility. i think we loved eachother, we recognised in eachother some..... some things more than who and what we both currently are. we saw one anothers potential. and neither of us are ready to fight for and embrace that in ourselves. we are committed to our lesser, our current, our comfortable, troubled, tangled, trying selves.

i cry for us because as much as i know i will feel love again, because i know i have felt it before, many times. there are such legitimate, incredibly important things i felt (feel) from you that i had never thought possible, that i had given up on not just lookin for but on even acknowledging the concept of. you awakened so much in me.

i cry because it now seems so incredibly impossible to rebuild. i broke us. i did. and rather than try to understand why, rather than.... work with me. you will only punish me, give up on me. which i guess.... means...... none of this was true for you.

i start to see my sheltered-ness, my....naivety. my youth, selfishness, stupidity. but.... also, i see my grace. i see my strength, my effort, my work ethic, my determination. and sadly, in you, i see weakness, i see fear. i see stagnation. i see regret building, i see hate, self loathing festering and poisoning, i see.... failure.

but i still believe in you. i think you are much bigger and better than that.

there is so much of you that i DON'T see. that goes both ways. you don't know me at 7am getting ready for work. you don't know me succeeding. you don't me smart, paving something. did we really ever see *each other* - or just these snippets of people in such a small snippet of time. maybe i just met you, so i could meet your (soul) brother (and sister). just to get me to here, maybe you are just a stepping stone, but my god you are the hardest. i thought you were everything. but i know, i KNOW i was never that for you?

you are not who i built you up to be. you do not exist. maybe hopefully one day i'll be friends with the person you are based on.

4:27 a.m. - 2013-10-27

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