msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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diamond dancer

sweating.

hard to explain general kind of out of my body disconnected maybe i've been talking to myself/ thinking out loud - maybe there's a risk of me actually floating off in to the atmosphere even though i know about gravity and stuff

tingling. all through my body. feeling electric? buzzing? even my tongue and my lips..... finding it very hard to make sure i am actually where i am.

these are things i've felt for awhile, they got worse i guess..... actually, quite worse, manifested themselves in literal ways (as in - i vocalised them).

then i was on meds and maybe they settled a bit but 4-5 days off i was tingling so hard

i don't know how to explain

i had to listen to bill callahan say

"she danced so hard, she danced herself into a diamond"

about 15 times this morning.

maybe i'd become a diamond.

-

i'm struggling a lot with over thinking, that's why i haven't been writing.

also, i am actually horrendously busy.

working in "management" and attending uni to get my degree.

i haven't been doing any of these things very well.

but at the same time - work; i'm probably over dedicating myself to work, not studying at all. i don't know why i'm doing this degree.

-

the last three nights i've been having these terrible sleeps.

wait

back further

when i take subox it makes me really itchy

for awhile i was taking it every night, not thinking much of it, using it to get stoned...... i kept discovering these scratches on my body.

eventually i figured i was scratching in my sleep. a friend confirmed.

i didn't take for a couple of weeks, detoxed (emotional rollercoaster) scratches stopped.

now i'm back. covered in scratches and scabs. i feel so disconnected from myself.

-

spoke to my doctor yesterday about the fear of thinking out loud, about feeling like i'm electric, disconnected from my body.... she said it's common long term depression sympton. so that's comforting i guess.

but coming off my med for 4-5 days, tonight i was trying to have beers with my other *managers* and i was so scared that i would just..... shake away off in to the atmosphere, or pass out, or start screaming at the table or.... just drop dead. i took my pill. and it stopped that electric feeling but gave me other things. then i got home and eventually got some more subox.

this self medicating is getting a bit weird.

and i am in that cycle/pattern again where i just take everything on. YES! I will build my career, work in a management role, high pressure, need for high performance, commitment etc etc etc I will also study full time - on campus this time - lectures, tutes, group assignments, writing "enterprise level" programs in my spare time.... all while maintaining a base line alcholism and a burgeoning opiate addiction.

i feel about 20 seconds away from complete and utter breakdown - although it's more the anticipation of it - i feel physically and mentally so stretched and so wrecked - this is what i do. i know it's coming. i maybe 3-5 times a day have maybe a 2-3 minute period of total breakdown. some real reality strikes me, and i crumble, to tears, to clutching my chest, my wrists, my neck. i see myself hanging.

i want to fight. i want to live.

i ahve put things in place.... i'm setting up psychologist appointments.

yesterday, with my amazing doctor, the time i had tears and fear overcome me was when i said i am doing this because certain things hve ruled my whole fucking life and i have glimpsed what it feels like to not have them be an issue - i want to fight for that. i want to fight for my life. i deserve it. i don't feel worthless anymore, i have worked on that - i have worth. i have shit, and issues, and can be terrible sometimes and all sorts of shit but i am a fucking amazing piece of flesh and blood and electricity and i KNOW i can do great things

and i don't want bits of short wiring and chemical fuck outs to write my story.

-

so

the last three nights

i've been having these terrible dreams

irrational.....

of having a big syringe full to the brim of heroin

and i keep trying to find veins

trying to hit my own veins

the dreams are either doing that act, or planning to... trying to engineer situations so i can get away, to just *try* and hit my own vein...

a situation where i was at some nondescript boys place and i realised he had all these opiates in thew bathroom, i raided every cupboard

another one where i showed up at someones house and said "i'm sorry - i didn't get it until now, i'm too sick, i can't do it, give me anything".

i have already all my old issues that i need to address and deal with, and now..... addiction in general is getting bigger.

i can easily nip this heroin thing in the bud. but...... i'll have shots this weekend and honestly right now i feel it's the only thing keeping me going. i am scared of life. i am scared of my potential. and wasting it. and i'm getting to that age thing/point.........where i have the realisation of wasting it, but the fear of......of everything.

i, actually now that i write it out, am pretty much at a HUGE cross roads. Like, the defining points of my life. Do I pursue careere or heroin. Do I....

I have all these thoughts about not having to live to a structure, yet at the same time i've tasted and felt this joy and elation and lightness that comes from working and saving and sunshine and not excessive substance use.... i don't think in my heart i feel that those things are just ideas forced on us.

i think the order, the.....exclusivity.....the structure of things. i fight against. i hate. but the effort of pving my own path, of fighting my won fight, of doing things *my way*.....it is so hard, often i'd just rather die. it's a big thing. to live my life the way i want to live it. feels impossible. but it's not. it's just hard.

but nothing good is easy? so they say? but who the fuck are they?

last night another dream was walking out on a jetty, seeing a man, the jetty fell away and he drowned, at first i was scared of the water but then i realised there was a chain so i said we'll just drag ourselves in, let's not drown each other, just follow me.

in that same dream my father died and i was at oomoo street.

ok over and out.

12:44 a.m. - 2013-09-05

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