msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here i go again maybe this entry will be fractured. - i wanted to ask your advice about using. if i'm using on my own - you know my doses, you know what i've had, what i'm used to, what was too much. tell me what to do and how to hit a vein. - the times i've used with other people, i don't notice that i'm stoned. i notice it, but it's not the same. i don't know if it's because of doses or because those other times, with others, it just becomes standard on drugs time - talking chat chat chat blah blah blah. with you, i guess my senses, my whole being was already on such some other level, but also our conversation was never just chat chat chat blah blah blah your tendancy to go too far, to be completely lost, overwhelmed, nodding out on me - that has become my expectation of this place and i don't get that with other people. maybe sometimes when i'm on my own i will let myself go there. maybe i just haven't gotten stoned enough outside of you yet. that's probably it. chemicals are chemicals? - speaking about chemicals it is all i live on now i guess. pharmaceuticals - on my own meds, on my housies meds.... i think my cymbalta is in many ways letting me be the person i.... i am underneath anxiety. it is beautiful/absurd timing - for my meds to kick in at the same time as heart dump and job promotion/fulfilment and i know it is the combination of the two things contributing to this space i am in that is comfortable and just....easy. it feels like what life.... must be like for "normal people"? it feels like not struggling. as in, not everything is EASY but not everything is a fucking mammoth effort - surviving isn't some immense horrible overwhelming task. do i feel joy? i'm not sure. but i feel.....capable. and stable. and that is pretty fantastic and amazing. -- i notice the medication (my prescribed one) only sometimes - like when i realise i've only masturbated once in the last month - that it's taken me 2 weeks to realise that - that i have no sexual urges, thoughts, anything i also there is a whole big deal i guess in this relationship just ending. i don't feel it, at all. i don't feel anything in relation to it. i occasionally - often - miss your/his presence. i don't know if that's the meds or those realisations/lightbulb moments i had in newcastle i did have quite a bit of anger the week or two after but i think i've just let go. it's hard to know if that's my "real" self or the medication - that is ridiculous, because meds or not, it's still "real". still, underlying it all, as always is faith and.....inevitability. i know you'll be here. i know we'll talk. i know we'll kiss, fuck, make love, cry, laugh, hate, love, be joyful and courteous and respectful and.... i know you are in my heart. ------ but yeah. bottom line - at the moment - i'm a manager - 60 hours of my week are already accounted for, then i need study time, wind down time, sleeping time, recovery time. i feel like i've been so lucky to have that 18 months of nothingness - i felt it some days in lismore, noting to myself "this is special and short-lived - enjoy while it's here" i had that time - amazing lismore, amazing summer, amazing henry, now i am here to fucking work and learn and those other parts, that right brain stuff - takes a back seat and i'll give it fuel to filter through. 12:18 a.m. - 2013-07-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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