msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she's always got last summer think i'm falling into a bit of a heavy depression. getting suicidal etc. not good. i keep saying "everything will be better once i get a job" but I'm believing it less and less everyday. it will certainly ease some things but i'm just... i have so much work to do on myself, on my life, and i just don't know if i have the strength, courage or real motivation. i don't think i really believe there will ever be a day when things are truly "better" for me. i feel i will always be somewhat unsatisfied, hungry, i will never have the life i truly want, because i am not strong enough to go out and get out. i understand the cure for this is to just "be happy with what i've got" but that feels like such a god damn cop out. - i kind of feel that maybe i've undone some of the work i did in queensland. maybe i stopped doing work there after awhile. love was some great distraction, and it was work, i grew and changed so much through that. maybe thats the work i feel has now been undone, although, in a contradiction, i also feel forever changed. - i'm certainly drinking too much. i had the shakes this morning when i woke up and i can't think why. i've still got a sheet of pristiq and i'm contemplating starting taking them. from memory they made me a bit zombie-ish and unable to think things through properly, or to have real feelings, but maybe that would be good at the moment. - i've returned to feeling incredibly alone in the world, and the remnants of this love, what has happened, what's left now just fills me with such dread and remorse. like i couldn't possibly go through that again anytime soon. like i know i need to be alone for a very long time, am not cut out for intimate love like that, for caring for another person, for loving them. i can act heartlessly, cruelly, at times completely devoid of.... any feeling. it is terrifying. - i can see myself putting things on pedestals. "once i get a job, everything will be better" "if he was here, everything would be better" romanticising things like that ultimately just sets me up to fall flat on my face, it's likely how i got here in the first place. 1:29 p.m. - 2013-06-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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