msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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she's always got last summer

think i'm falling into a bit of a heavy depression. getting suicidal etc. not good.

i keep saying "everything will be better once i get a job" but I'm believing it less and less everyday. it will certainly ease some things but i'm just... i have so much work to do on myself, on my life, and i just don't know if i have the strength, courage or real motivation.

i don't think i really believe there will ever be a day when things are truly "better" for me. i feel i will always be somewhat unsatisfied, hungry, i will never have the life i truly want, because i am not strong enough to go out and get out. i understand the cure for this is to just "be happy with what i've got" but that feels like such a god damn cop out.

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i kind of feel that maybe i've undone some of the work i did in queensland. maybe i stopped doing work there after awhile. love was some great distraction, and it was work, i grew and changed so much through that. maybe thats the work i feel has now been undone, although, in a contradiction, i also feel forever changed.

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i'm certainly drinking too much. i had the shakes this morning when i woke up and i can't think why.

i've still got a sheet of pristiq and i'm contemplating starting taking them. from memory they made me a bit zombie-ish and unable to think things through properly, or to have real feelings, but maybe that would be good at the moment.

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i've returned to feeling incredibly alone in the world, and the remnants of this love, what has happened, what's left now

just fills me with such

dread and remorse. like i couldn't possibly go through that again anytime soon. like i know i need to be alone for a very long time, am not cut out for intimate love like that, for caring for another person, for loving them. i can act heartlessly, cruelly, at times completely devoid of.... any feeling. it is terrifying.

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i can see myself putting things on pedestals.

"once i get a job, everything will be better"

"if he was here, everything would be better"

romanticising things like that ultimately just sets me up to fall flat on my face, it's likely how i got here in the first place.

1:29 p.m. - 2013-06-03

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