msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- victim of romance today is a red lips day. red lips either come about from a supreme LACK of confidence or an overwhelming ABUNDANCE of confidence. this must be confusing for the people around me. today was a lacking day. woke up - dream interrupted - dream was something about cripples (again, why do i keep dreaming about amputee's/disabilities) and i was going from making out to foreplay with SOMEONE - i don't know if it was a man or a woman, i don't know if i was a fairy or a dragon or a human, very big dream with a lot going on but as it was getting to heavy lips on lips and 10:08 am my phone rang, my mother. i let it ring out and put my phone on silent. fought, for some time, twenty minutes maybe, the morning. eventually called her back and an hour and half later i felt a lot better about the world. - beautiful open conversations. i wonder sometimes if i am a psychopath. if maybe i don't actually feel things at all, only feel things from others....words or encouragement. i have such eagerness in me to please the ones i know will give me positive praise. i pride myself on being a good daughter, on loving her, on being honest, on being someone she will be proud of, of taking the things she has taught me and putting them into practice in a way i can then show to her like a macrame bracelet or a christmas tree made out of folding down magazine pages. - then i got dressed, went to my university appointment. i am getting confident in public transport between certain destinations, confident enough to venture beyond my limits without looking at my phone - went to the university which is beautifully overwhelming and all encompassing, i was wearing their colours, i want to be emersed (baptised?) got some good advice. got things i could have just told myself anyway. not a waste of time, perhaps a waste of their resources. it makes me know this is good. i will bury myself there. - trekked out further to the east side, meeting with trans boys and their lovers, my old friend, her new friends possible job things, whatever i am empty and sad and solemn and deflated when around others. she asks if something is wrong and i simply say "this is how i am now. this is how i've been for weeks". they all say that i have changed and grown, and i know i have and all i offer now is stillness and quiet and sorrow, resolution, reckoning. i have heroin memories. i have leslie feist being in the car on anzac day afternoon near the water nothing else matters who cares who is watching touch me touch me now get in my body you feel it too, i'm feeling for both of us so are you this is beautiful don't stop until i say so this is bliss this is bliss this is bliss i have that memory. i have memories about that pub, some stupid irish pub in yarraville and their bathroom - "i shot up in there" and then that stupid stick figure drawing of people in love. - i all day walk around telling myself i don't feel a thing. sometimes i tell people i maybe feel a sense of relief. but i don't believe it. i don't feel anything. - i feel jealous that you may taste oblivion tomorrow and i don't get to. and that (that i feel that way), i feel, is horrible and disgusting. - i feel that this new laura album, those first tracks before the instrumental interlude - they are all important. i love their seamlessness, that it could all be one long track, that it tells a beautiful story. i love that it's basically a break up album. i love the second half too, but those first few songs. when i had quiet moments today at that house in yarraville i just sat in her room and listened to old laura and the girl said "but isn't this too sad?" and i said "not at all - it's uplifting and it sounds like my heart" - i don't feel anymore like i know what honesty is. like i have a place where i can be honest, even in myself. i feel scared of everything yet i feel brave, i know i am fighting, i know my family are seeing bravery in my humility, in my not telling the whole story. i feel ashamed, and proud (in both good and bad ways). i am a mess of contradictions. "when we were in love, if we were..." 10:29 p.m. - 2013-05-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||