msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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once i was an eagle

i had a job interview today.

a terrible job, cold calling businesses trying to sell them landline plans from a company they will never have heard of.

the positives to come out of this were that i noticed i think i'm thinner than i've been in a long time (heroin diet y'all - followed by heartache. winner.) and also i saw a bit more of melbourne, longer tram ride, saw the (a) business district.

got me to thinking about a friend (ex colleague... ex boss. a man now in a great position with amazing business contacts who has always backed me) who is now in a high place. last time i spoke to him was earlier this year to tell him i had used him as a reference for a virtual receptionist position. he scolded me for applying for such a job, asked what did we need to do to get me in a job using my brain and talents.

said he is usually in melbourne 2-3 days a week, to call him when i got here.

so i got to thinking about him, thinking maybe i should just tell him i am here. meet with him, be honest, tell him i don't know if i am ready for anything, good enough for anything, that i had (multiple) breakdowns last year. that i like having purple hair, i don't want to work full time and i don't want to wear business clothes. probably can't deal with much pressure at the moment.

ha. not so honest perhaps. but perhaps there would be some value in seeing him, in telling him a bit of that, he may have some professional guidance. i am feeling incredibly lost "professionally".

i don't know what i want. i don't know/remember what i'm capable of - or i don't trust it.

self worth is a theme these days (always).

if anything, seeing him may remind me.... of the belief other people had in me, the promise and possibility they saw in me. surely it is still there.

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new laura marling album is streaming and this makes me very happy.

i listened to her other 3 albums while out today.

thank the powers that be for sad music.

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tonight i think i will shave my armpits and my legs. i love having hairy pits but they are a bit out of control at the moment. i hate having hairy legs.

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one of my old friends who lives in this city now again today broached the topic of us living together.

this poses another question around - what do i feel i deserve, what direction do i want my life to be taking, where do i want to be headed.

the reasons i do not want to live with her (the reasons i gave a few weeks ago) were that i know she won't agree with all of my lifestyle choices and i don't want to live in a place where i feel i am being judged (been doing that for the last 6 months - need a break). by which i mean drinking, i suppose. also that she is hard to live with. clean freak. very intense emotionally. taxing. (i didn't really tell her that)

the place i'm currently in is a condemned building with 4 bedrooms - two other boys (men) and a spare room now. there's always dirty dishes in the sink, no food in the fridges and..... well it's a bit of a shit hole really. and i feel very comfortable here.

i may have another room to go to in a month or so with another friend of the man who has had my heart these months.

i wonder now if that is a good idea, to keep tied to each other like that.

i like the idea of expanding my head / heart / circle of friends / spectrum of experience.

but if things are truly over

will there be strange times if i perhaps find a lover.

a ridiculous thought at the moment but still a thing to keep in mind.

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i thought i was in my saturn returns period but i just looked it up and apparently that's not until 2015. how fucking terrifying.

so, what the fuck is this then??

it feels like i am in a time where i am just... i need to make decisions. how do i want my life to look? what's important to me? money, creativity, freedom for self expression, love, substance, fun, travel, change? all of these things? can i bring them all together in balance?


3:31 p.m. - 2013-05-21

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