msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- today has been ok I downloaded a hypnosis app to help me sleep last night (this morning). it worked i suppose (i got to sleep before 4am). - the best thing about today is i bought some restavit so tonight, once i get sick of being awake i can just pop myself into bed and sleep sleep sleep through until tomorrow. this will probably happen in about 3 hours, possibly sooner. waking up is the worst part of the day. going to sleep is the worst part of the day. bed is terrible. but waking up, that "another day full of dread" feeling before i even open my eyes. it won't last. need to keep my pilot light somehow though it is dipping - waning - shrinking. the days are long, nights are longer. it's cold. i don't want to be alone, i don't want to be near anyone. i just don't want, i just want to sleep until this is over, until life is different. i don't want to be drunk, i don't want to be sober. - i forget to eat, my legs haven't been so hairy in years (hair everywhere - i forget until i shower maybe every second day), the hair on my head is various shades of purple/red/brown - i look a mess. i have a job interview tomorrow. i went to the chemist to buy cotton buds and restavit and the lady told me three times (three times) to take care of myself, look after myself. i finally bought a towel. i think i will have wonton soup for dinner. - i'm still bored. i'm still lonely, deflated, yesterday i became defeated. this room with bars on the windows and two single beds resembles a prison cell more and more everyday, my mind turns to dark things (this is why sleep - trying to sleep is so bad. sleep itself is blissful, amazing, let me be there always even when my dreams are decrepid junkies on drips and the kitchen roof is on fire and its my fault and i can't do anything except stand there and scream and theres a man with long hair who keeps touching my face and i'm scared of him but i can't move my feet are concrete i am in a wheelchair and they know i'm lying i am panicking panicking panicking i am awake again) i have developed visualisation/calming techniques where i imagine myself as very small - or rather i imagine a very large being (the universe?) cradling me like a baby, or a puppy. i wrap myself in my blanket, like i'm being swaddled, the blanket is beautifully soft and it makes me feel ok, feel kind of safe if not completely warm. last night i slept in a shirt of his that i found in this room. it stank of detox sweat, of fighting and vomit - of the boy i loved having next to me in sleep and while awake, of everything we were working towards, of beautiful moments so lost in big deep bath tubs, of hope and desperation, of trying, of not being enough, of love and loss, of us, of beautiful us. when i took it off to shower, the smell had seeped into my skin. it felt i don't know what to wash it off. i will save the shirt for special occasions, when i am especially pathetic/needy/depressed. - this is not depression. maybe it is. the anxiety is more worrying. but it is all justifiable. of course i'm anxious. of course i'm depressed. temporary. 4:20 p.m. - 2013-05-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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