msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- instant crush i keep waking up in panic attacks. this hasn't happened to me so regularly since I was in Lismore, honestly I guess since I have been focused on being in love. It's not surprising I guess, having just moved to a new city where I don't know many people, having just blown almost $5000 in two months (quite literally on booze, cigarettes, drugs and petrol) and having this thing that has been so incredibly important and beautiful just disintegrate in mine and his hands over the last few weeks. - it's made me realise i am lonely. that i don't like being lonely. but the last month, those last couple of weeks where things got so loose and crazy, violent, psychotic, made me realise perhaps i am not ready to be involved in a relationship. we are so similar in ways - it's almost like we are built of the same physiological (I don't think that's the word I want) cloth yet with different upbringings and experiences that have skewed us in different ways, but our underlying issues mirror one another. can that ever work? can we even help each other more, as lovers? i like to think sometimes that i could just meet someone else (soon) to cure this loneliness, let someone else into my heart and body but in reality this has broken me in all new ways (fixed some things, certainly, but broken other parts) and I struggle to imagine letting another person in, finding comfort with anyone else. - i am hoping that once i get a job, the loneliness and the panic won't be so bad. building up the money i spent will make me feel good, meeting new people, having some kind of routine (which i have pretty much lacked for 18 months or so now) these things will occupy me. i am looking forward to at least a month without the pressure of study hanging over me, which I haven't had for two and a half years. - but i miss love. i miss being loved, feeling loved. i miss pet names and longing and knowing that there is a reward at the end of it. this game now of heartache, of healing but not knowing what for, of daily tears and yearning, it is hard. we are taking tentative steps but i don't know if they are towards each other or beside each other. well, they are beside each other but i don't know if it is to the same thing. - what is most important really is rebuilding our friendship, our trust, our communication. letting wounds heal over (many harsh words and actions have taken place), salvaging what we can. but i miss him desperately. i'm ashamed and disgusted by what happened, by how things got ruined. we had a really beautiful chance. 12:19 p.m. - 2013-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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