msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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for you, when you get here

I'm a bit of a sad, desperate mope tonight.

my day has been one of recovery, self care, regret, sad masturbation, pizza, sobbing, and lots of sleep.

tonight i'm just reading stupid essays on thought catalog, listening to city and colour and occasionally glancing at my skype window to see if you're still online.

for some reason, it gives me great comfort to see that green tick next to your name. not that it really means anything. it's possible you're out somewhere, not even near your computer and have just left it on, skype still signed in after our disaster of a conversation (or multiple conversations) that i cannot recall (i don't know if this is a good or bad thing. sometimes i think black outs are blessings).

but it lets me think that you are near your computer. maybe you're in bed, watching some crime show that i probably wouldn't like. i like thinking of you by your computer. it almost makes me feel like we are hanging out together, silently. like i could just reach over and touch you at any time.

and how i wish i could touch you.

i am just so sad. i am so angry - at myself, at life, at you, at our addictions, at this distance between us, at ruined chances. i am so fucking full of regret, and it is the worst feeling of all.

-

i don't know what to do.

i just want you. i want to be beautiful with you. i want to be stoned and sexy slow dancing with you in a tiny dress and knee high socks. i want to be kissing you, everywhere.

i want to be talking with you. i want to be silently looking at each other, having quiet conversations with our eyes - with smiles, with absolute love and awe on our faces.

i want to forget all of this stuff. i want things to be easy.

i want you here, i want you to be showing me the city - your favourite places, places you have stories from, places that have shaped you. i want to be discovering new places with you, seeing bands, seeing shows, seeing films.

i want to get up earlier than you, shower and get ready for work and kiss you on your sleepy forehead before i walk out the door.

i want you to meet me after my shift, for us to walk through the city and talk about our days, make plans for our evening - what to cook, what to watch.

i don't want excess. i want moderation.

-

and i don't want anyone else. i love how our bodies fit together. i want more of that.

-

but right now, i can't even type anything into that skype window. what words can we use anymore, what could we possibly say tonight that will fix anything.

just know i am thinking of you, and indulging in daydreams about what our future could maybe look like.

11:01 p.m. - 2013-05-13

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