msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- perpetuum mobile a week gone by, i'm a little shaky today. i am $1000 down and have in many ways done nothing of worth, nothing productive, nothing of note. bruised my breasts, pushed some boundaries, danced to another of my boys bands at a bush party, butt fucked him in a barn, sat on a couch all cross eyed and nodding head surrounded by his good friends - great first impression i must have made. - we have conversations about possibilities. what might come next. what are our options, how viable are they - do we try to fight and live and love, be strong, be brave, be bigger, be better or do we not have such strength in us to fight for ourselves and another person. do we just part ways, do we break our own hearts and allow ourselves to continue falling into nothingness (can that even be stopped, regardless of what we do). are we open with our love, inviting others to share beds and hearts and bodies or do we become exclusive and bonded to one another. what is the reality of that when we can not share a town for a time. old lovers opening up old wounds, frightened that her old boy may be moving on and not sitting around waiting for her to change her mind. - and what do i want? how do i make these decisions when everything feels terrifying. i wish we could stay in a world where bank balances never dropped below $5000, veins were always easy to hit and the fridge was always full. and drugs didn't eat ones soul, yet fed it and enlivened it like for those first few moments they promise to do. 12:34 p.m. - 2013-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||