msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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my selfish heart is alone tonight

i had a lot to say.

gone now, melted away by happy housemate faces...

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been dreaming a lot lately. big symbolism dreams.

rats, the ex, whales, water, dirty laundry, babies, pregnancies

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i am running away from my degree.

i feel like i need to drop out of programming. which is really dropping out of the whole degree... still doing web design units which don't really count for anything besides education (god - shouldn't THAT be the goal?? not just the piece of paper...)

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what do i want the degree for? what will i do with it?

do i even need it?

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had another rendezvous on friday night.

some midnight stranger with teddy bear eyes and a bit of a stutter, a four year old son.

he was so incredibly nervous i couldn't help but be incredibly relaxed.

a lie down, spooning, head and neck message and then all the right things in all the right places.

a boozy, seedy and sweet wake up.

saturday night was place to myself, 2 hour bath with the door and windows open, too many bubbles, nick cave, chai tea, dark chocolate and a good book about death and longing and let downs

swapping pictures with some 38 year old web designer in byron with a full sleeve just plain black tattoo that tells the ending of some story i would like to hear one day.

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i don't talk to the ex anymore.

it is a relief but i still think about him a lot. almost daily i guess.

i get angry, and question everything and hope he's ok and want to spit in his face and hit him and hold him and i guess

it's that same old thing that i see myself as so much like him.

THAT is the only reason for any love i have left?

i don't know.

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i played pool tonight with that midnight visitor and i realised the game just doesn't hold my interest when it's not with him.

so that is something a little bit sad and also a little bit nice, i guess.

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there is so much more.

trying to force it is never a good idea....

8:13 p.m. - 2012-04-23

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