msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but this is long enough so. Friday. was here. Saturday....... was early morning wake ups, wandering into town, half a gluten free BLT and a couple of chips (and beer). Drinking breakfast beer with a recovering alcoholic makes me feel like rubbish but i didn't realise when i ordered it.... curly haired ladies with beautiful big eyes reminiscent of somebody else, tucked in and surrounded by fabric. i was sweating and didn't know what to do with my hands. docs galore then driving out to nimbin. surrounding places are beautiful - rolling hills, open valleys, tree's and nooks and a neighbours car nimbin is some strange place. overdone. - evening starts and i am all anticipation. i get suicide girl hot, a little drunk by this point. wearing batman knickers, a dress too short and see through. every face i see is waiting, eyes roll over - not you yet. amazing faces though. everybody's got a story to tell. i get a little high and start talking about sex. i want to explore, i want to eat, i want to know, i have no secrets, here is all of me, as it is, right now, tomorrow i'll be changed (i don't know that yet) ex-sex-ploration. i am text message thumb trigger happy. i am phone calls and ridiculous impatience. "i want to talk to you about sobriety because i have a problem. you should move too." and then i am cool as a cucumber as you introduce yourself to a cemicircle that ends with me. i last all of 20 seconds until i am eye contact and out of my chair, you walk behind me to the kitchen and i turn around and grab you. frenzied kisses. do you like my dress?? - cigarette out the front - let's get a bed. "this is happening already?" it's not fucking soon enough. a bad faux pas and everybody knows why we're there and who you are. "it's all for you" i am a fucking idiot. great sex. at least i thought so. - in between all of this was meeting a nice boy who when i say "sigh", he says "yes" (I can tell that we are gonna be friends) walk downstairs and he gives his approval. sideburns. can win anyone over. - verandah sex. you like the dress. no underwear anymore, so it doesn't matter that it's see through. it's all for you. - i want hair pulling and roughness but you don't. i rip your chest out but don't lose any locks. - sleep and i wake up early. still drunk, still high perhaps. make coffee, wake you up. you leave. - i am australian music (you am i to start with) and beer and chain smoking. i put pen to paper, it rains heavily. i am text message thumb trigger happy again (all day) but i think you'd already started drifting away. - girls come out and music truly starts. beer and whiskey and joints and stories. mdma?? why not.... flight is in a couple of hours, i should pack first.... - a papa comes (better put some clothes on) hands up - who wants to..... even in pastels, i totally would. - the rest is a blur. too many texts (always so much to say) i want you to write a stagger lee-esque song about me, you crazy, dirty fuck. i cancel my flight. dancing with myself - anywhere that there is space. nearly 10pm - I will put my sunglasses on and close my eyes while i talk, i am not sleepy, this will never end. - arrival of the boy. some distance. you touch my legs and my eyes are wide open, i'm not tired anymore. a drive to poverty paradise. squeaky joints and a dusty mind. a stupid phonecall - you are gone now. nice sleep. cuddles deep. mysterious wake up. - shakey from no food for 2 days. undecisive day. nothing makes sense, no plans stick, i feel empty, she feels sick. more drugs might make us feel ok?? not getting to the end of the street. - unkept plans - you lie, you lie. 3am wake ups. "come now" i say, you say "ok" strange chats. stranger dreams - i close my eyes, there's a man at the foot of the bed. sometimes it feels like i'm dead. at one point, open my eyes in my dream and your face and body are that old boys - that biggest, best killer of my heart. his blue eyes. i try to tell myself that's not possible but i hear his voice say my name aloud and wonder do we let ourselves do this again?? wake up at one point kissing your shoulder. - in the morning, for an hour, dripping wet, trying to read your sleeping form should i? shouldn't i?? why the fuck not. not. i shouldn't have. you leave in a hurry and a world of weirdness. - coffee that day. dinner that night, some red wine, some mazzy star. you walk in so determined, so proud, so come right up and grab me and go to kiss my mouth and i am strange so i give you my cheek. every time i open my mouth to talk, someone else does the same. all night i am wrong place, wrong time. - then conversation. "it's strange being honest with a stranger" you like games. i thought you liked my dress? is it all encompassing? i turned you around. post orgasm (yours within a millisecond of mine..so damn polite) more of the same. you're gone. - a nothing day. empty, strange, tears, need to get home. strange who comes to the rescue. a drive to the airport to see if we float. i should have kissed you. you went to kiss me. i lead, you follow. i need to step up? what more? there is so much more. 9:05 p.m. - 2012-01-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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